QUOTES-REALLIFE-03 was last updated at Sat Jul 31 17:38:10 2004.
You can also view this file in fortune format, or as an RSS feed.
Ducttape: "Morti, did me and Alex keep you awake last night with our gunshots?" Morti: "All I heard there was ``cumshots''."
[shouting into the kitchen] Ducttape: "Bill, could you ask Alex what he's cooking?" Morti: "Alex! What're you cooking?" Creature: "Spaghetti bolognese." Ducttape: "Is it bean feast?" Morti: "Is it bean feast?" Morti: "Is it bean feast?" Morti: "Is it bean feast?" Morti: "Three packets transmitted, zero received, 100% packet loss." Ducttape: "Alex! Could you come here please?" Creature: "Yes?" Ducttape: "Are you cooking bean feast?" Creature: "Yes." Ducttape (to Morti): "See, I used a connection based protocol..."
Foo (peering at saucepan): "I wonder why it's not cooking." Rah: "Erm, you didn't switch it on?"
[red_pill passing up the opportunity to pig out on cookies] supermum: "Maybe he's not got cookies enabled?"
Bethan: "I really want to meet Morti in real life so I can hate him for a real
reason."
Morti: "Umm... what?"
Bethan: "I want to meet Morti so I can find a reason to hate him, not just
because everyone thinks he's cool."
Morti: "But... I'm Morti?"
Bethan: "Oh! Not Morti, Moof!"Jo: "I made like a tree--" Skel: "And split."
You don't mind if I wait until the morning to open that? I just don't want it to sink in that I've spent the beginning of my birthday in a place full of drunk freshers and not scored.
Creature, after spending the night of his birthday sober, taking photos at the Fresher's Ball
People keep trying to sell me cock enlargement schemes. I think word's got around.
SlimeyPete
padme: "Why do you keep looking at me like that?" reggitsti: "Because I haven't got a keyboard to type in 'o.O'."
[talking about CO600 presentations] GeeeZa: "When's your oral, Jester?" foo: "Every night, if he's lucky."
GeeeZa: "I get through about two litres of cola a day." MrTea: "Yup." GeeeZa: "So that's fourteen litres of cola a week." MrTea: "A four-pack of real Coke's about £4.15." GeeeZa: "So that sounds like a £20-a-week Coke habit."
Alex, remind me what this river's called again?
Robin, standing next to the Thames
Rah: "You could log on as foo." ben: "Ah, so I could." [ben types in "foo" as login name, enters password, and watches as nothing happens] ben: "Of course, not actually *as* 'foo'."
ben: "I have a thing about not calling people by their IRC nickname in
real life."
typo: "What should we call you, then?"Trapper: "It doesn't take much to please me." MrTea: "Good news for Ben, then."
Kim, don't think just because I can't hear you I don't know you're being sarcastic. The reason I know you are is because you have your mouth open.
Creature
Never sit next to Kim. She writes funny things like "monkey" on her notes to try and make you laugh.
reggitsti
Rah: "Foo, did you bring the lappy?" foo: "No..." Rah: "*gasp* How are you remembering to breathe without it?"
From Morti's explanation of what they were going to do -- knots, safety and first aid -- it made KinkSoc sound like a branch of the Boy Scouts.
Christine
purple: "Everyone I know in Cants is a geek. In my actual uni, I only
hang with arts students!"
Trapper: "I *am* an arts student."
purple: "I thought you were CS... wait, you're history, aren't you? ...
That explains the books."[talking about Skel being a rich boy]
xmassheep: Have you ever been in the situation where you're not sure
where your next meal was coming from?
Skel: The last time you were out.SlimeyPete: Is [Rorschach] quite drunk?
Morti: He ran into the kitchen, hugged me round the stomach and shouted
something in French about guinea pigs and lettuce... what do you think?It's so stiff! I had to use both hands!
Lizzie, talking about Ben's bedroom door
Lizzie: "It says that only library staff and students with disabilities
can use this lift."
ben: "Well, I'm library staff, and you're blonde.""What is Kinksoc?" "Erm. I can answer it, or the president of Kinksoc can answer it." "I'd like to see *you* answer it."
Random SocFed audience member and David Budd
typo: "On The Buses videos? Who would buy them? I suppose you'll tell me
now that they fly off the shelves."
Shop assistant: "Well, they send them in, I stack the shelves with
them..." (looks at shelves) "and they're still there..."[talking about Scrabble] foo: "Are you sure words can't go upwards?" Rah: "No. Gravity goes *downwards*."
Tanedra: "I want a photo with you in." Ducttape: "OK, but I'm not facing the camera."
Don't worry, we're the nation's future!
Pyro, to confused parents watching him on the swings in the play area at the zoo
Morti: "Do you sell air guitars?" Salesman: "Is that air spelt A E R?"
[at Rutherford bar quiz] padme: "You see, most girls know that one, because it's Justin Timberlake." xmassheep: "But I don't." padme: "Yes, well, you have taste."
At first I was amazed, I was petrified; thinking I would never see dishes gone from the side...
creature, singing about washing-up
I'll sort it out in the morning. I'm not having you debug my code drunk better than I can sober.
creature, to skel
Da da da da da da da da da, yeah yeah yeah yeah, da da da da da da da da da, yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Various people singing along to "Man On The Moon" without knowing the words
Lizzie: "Why don't you just use vim? It's much nicer than nano."
ben: "Because vim is like stabbing yourself in the head with a fork, and
nano is like stabbing yourself in the head with a baby spoon -- it
still hurts, but it's a lot more fun."Sanity's a fiction, Sanity's a lie, ... Sanity is malt liquor rubbed into your thigh... ... OK, maybe I didnt think that one through properly.
Danov, rapping in Origins
The ending leaves it open for a sequel.
Morti, on the way out of "The Passion of The Christ"
[waiter appears with trolley] 15 people: "Yay! Food!" Waiter: "Not yours." 15 people: (in unison) "Awwww."
curry gathering in The Ancient Raj
[talking about coffee in a paper cup] typo: "This coffee is still quite hot." red_pill: "That would be because of the irrigated cardboard, then."
It's very hard to screw backwards, especially when you're stretched out like that.
Koala, talking about a particularly tricky snooker shot
Morti: "Microsoft Natural Keyboards are shit."
b00: "No, they're not, they're great."
Morti: "Yes, if you type in a certain way. My hands are slightly to the
right because my right hand is more effective than my left."
reggitsti: "I'm not going to draw any conclusions from that..."Syn: "I need to know how to make a lot of money very quickly." Alex (burning fingers on frying pan): "FUCK!" Ducttape: "Well, that's one option..."
Ben: "I'm thinking about modding my trousers."
Lizzie: "Oh?"
Ben: "Yeah, they've already got holes in. The next natural step is to
add a fan."Tanedra: "Java doesn't do it for me the same way a vibrator does." Kitty: "You're doing it wrong."
[talking about CS2 exams]
creature: "Because they're all anonymous papers, I've been writing
little sarcastic comments."
skel: "Well they won't be that anonymous, then, will they?"Trapper: "I use the caches to get to the outside world." red_pill: "I just tend to use the door."
foo: "Do you know what rack space is?" Rah: (pointing to chest) "Yes. It's what you rate, isn't it?"
You know what would be excellent? If Krispy Kreme made breasts.
Ben, completely at random
[foo and SlimeyPete discovered *not* doing washing-up...] foo: "We decided to take a five-minute break." typo and Rah: "A five-minute break?" SlimeyPete: "Hey, we're men, we're not built for this sort of thing."
Y'know, DIY seems to be God's response to trying to do stuff on your own. "Think you can do it yourself? Think you can be a God, do you? Well, try putting a flat-pack bench together!"
red_pill
I mean, what are they going to say I can do with a philosophy degree? "You can start in McDonalds' graduate programme -- you deep-fry chips instead of flipping burgers. The pay is no better but it's slightly less hazardous."
red_pill
Pete: "And when you do 'make install', it should do 'sdist -c /etc/group
host'..."
Tim: "But that takes ages!"
Pete: "... ampersand."[playing Trivial Pursuit] xmassheep: "What Japanese war cry translates as 'may you live forever'?" skel: "Don't know." xmassheep: "Banzai." skel: "But that's small trees." reggitsti: "Who was prime minister of Italy between 1922 and 1943?" skel: "Don't know." reggitsi: "Would it help you if I told you it was Mussolini?" skel: "No." xmassheep: "What season are the most babies born in?" skel: "The football season?"
08:30-09:30 Mailinfo utility unavailable due to electrical testing.
Computing Service Alert
Trapper: "I've always thought Ben would look nice in a kilt -- he's
entitled to wear three different tartans."
typo: "What about the other men: Moof, for instance?"
Trapper: "Well, we could sew a Spanish flag and a Union flag together,
and he could tie them round his waist with a bow over his left hip."Kitty: "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to rebuild my
distribution boards with ethernet ports so I can telnet in and
switch off different plugs so I can switch off my machines without
touching them."
Morti: "You know what I'm going to do? Something worthwhile with my time."Wow, you guys don't *need* drugs, do you?
Morti, to Deeps, Mystik, Tigger and Kitty after a comment about anthropomorphic furry sysadmins
I could really do with something big and meaty inside me right now.
Babs, talking innocently about how much she wanted a burger
I've been going out with Pyro for four and a half months. You get less than that for breaking and entering.
Cutter
[evad looking for a power adapter]
Mikerosoft: "I think I would know if I was sitting on a power adapter."
evad: "Well, you're sitting on a keyboard... a can opener... six pairs
of boxers..."[typo and Trapper talking about typo's new camera, when red_pill appears...] red_pill: "It's soooo shiny! Shiny! Shiny!" Trapper: "What is?" red_pill: "My V:TM character sheet."
Submissions and corrections to Adam Sampson <quotes@offog.org>