Ducttape: "Morti, did me and Alex keep you awake last night with our gunshots?"
Morti: "All I heard there was ``cumshots''."
%
[shouting into the kitchen]
Ducttape: "Bill, could you ask Alex what he's cooking?"
Morti: "Alex! What're you cooking?"
Creature: "Spaghetti bolognese."
Ducttape: "Is it bean feast?"
Morti: "Is it bean feast?"
Morti: "Is it bean feast?"
Morti: "Is it bean feast?"
Morti: "Three packets transmitted, zero received, 100% packet loss."
Ducttape: "Alex! Could you come here please?"
Creature: "Yes?"
Ducttape: "Are you cooking bean feast?"
Creature: "Yes."
Ducttape (to Morti): "See, I used a connection based protocol..."
%
Foo (peering at saucepan): "I wonder why it's not cooking."
Rah: "Erm, you didn't switch it on?"
%
[red_pill passing up the opportunity to pig out on cookies]
supermum: "Maybe he's not got cookies enabled?"
%
Bethan: "I really want to meet Morti in real life so I can hate him for a real
    reason."
Morti: "Umm... what?"
Bethan: "I want to meet Morti so I can find a reason to hate him, not just
    because everyone thinks he's cool."
Morti: "But... I'm Morti?"
Bethan: "Oh! Not Morti, Moof!"
%
Jo: "I made like a tree--"
Skel: "And split."
%
You don't mind if I wait until the morning to open that? I just don't
want it to sink in that I've spent the beginning of my birthday in a
place full of drunk freshers and not scored.
	-- Creature, after spending the night of his birthday sober,
	   taking photos at the Fresher's Ball
%
People keep trying to sell me cock enlargement schemes. I think word's got
around.
	-- SlimeyPete
%
padme: "Why do you keep looking at me like that?"
reggitsti: "Because I haven't got a keyboard to type in 'o.O'."
%
[talking about CO600 presentations]
GeeeZa: "When's your oral, Jester?"
foo: "Every night, if he's lucky."
%
GeeeZa: "I get through about two litres of cola a day."
MrTea: "Yup."
GeeeZa: "So that's fourteen litres of cola a week."
MrTea: "A four-pack of real Coke's about £4.15."
GeeeZa: "So that sounds like a £20-a-week Coke habit."
%
We're not in Cambridge, are we?
	-- Robin, entirely randomly
%
Alex, remind me what this river's called again?
	-- Robin, standing next to the Thames
%
Rah: "You could log on as foo."
ben: "Ah, so I could."
[ben types in "foo" as login name, enters password, and watches as
nothing happens]
ben: "Of course, not actually *as* 'foo'."
%
ben: "I have a thing about not calling people by their IRC nickname in
    real life."
typo: "What should we call you, then?"
%
Trapper: "It doesn't take much to please me."
MrTea: "Good news for Ben, then."
%
Kim, don't think just because I can't hear you I don't know you're being
sarcastic. The reason I know you are is because you have your mouth open.
	-- Creature
%
Never sit next to Kim. She writes funny things like "monkey" on her
notes to try and make you laugh.
	-- reggitsti
%
Rah: "Foo, did you bring the lappy?"
foo: "No..."
Rah: "*gasp* How are you remembering to breathe without it?"
%
From Morti's explanation of what they were going to do -- knots, safety
and first aid -- it made KinkSoc sound like a branch of the Boy Scouts.
	-- Christine
%
Please! Let me play with the penguin's balls!
	-- Jo, talking about Frozen Bubble
%
purple: "Everyone I know in Cants is a geek. In my actual uni, I only
    hang with arts students!"
Trapper: "I *am* an arts student."
purple: "I thought you were CS... wait, you're history, aren't you? ...
    That explains the books."
%
[talking about Skel being a rich boy]
xmassheep: Have you ever been in the situation where you're not sure
    where your next meal was coming from?
Skel: The last time you were out.
%
SlimeyPete: Is [Rorschach] quite drunk?
Morti: He ran into the kitchen, hugged me round the stomach and shouted
    something in French about guinea pigs and lettuce... what do you think?
%
It's so stiff! I had to use both hands!
	-- Lizzie, talking about Ben's bedroom door
%
Lizzie: "It says that only library staff and students with disabilities
    can use this lift."
ben: "Well, I'm library staff, and you're blonde."
%
It's not so much a surplus, it's that we're not in debt.
	-- David Budd
%
... swallowed back up into the pot that is Kent Union.
	-- David Budd
%
"What is Kinksoc?"
"Erm. I can answer it, or the president of Kinksoc can answer it."
"I'd like to see *you* answer it."
	-- Random SocFed audience member and David Budd
%
Don't see it as a chore, kids -- it's a FESTIVAL of DEMOCRACY!
	-- Joe Cooper
%
typo: "On The Buses videos? Who would buy them? I suppose you'll tell me
    now that they fly off the shelves."
Shop assistant: "Well, they send them in, I stack the shelves with
    them..." (looks at shelves) "and they're still there..."
%
[talking about Scrabble]
foo: "Are you sure words can't go upwards?"
Rah: "No. Gravity goes *downwards*."
%
Tanedra: "I want a photo with you in."
Ducttape: "OK, but I'm not facing the camera."
%
Don't worry, we're the nation's future!
	-- Pyro, to confused parents watching him on the swings in the
	   play area at the zoo
%
Morti: "Do you sell air guitars?"
Salesman: "Is that air spelt A E R?"
%
[at Rutherford bar quiz]
padme: "You see, most girls know that one, because it's Justin Timberlake."
xmassheep: "But I don't."
padme: "Yes, well, you have taste."
%
At first I was amazed, I was petrified; thinking I would never see dishes gone
from the side...
	-- creature, singing about washing-up
%
I'll sort it out in the morning. I'm not having you debug my code drunk better
than I can sober.
	-- creature, to skel
%
Tossing is good.
	-- Spike, watching pancakes being made
%
Da da da da da da da da da, yeah yeah yeah yeah,
da da da da da da da da da, yeah yeah yeah yeah...
	-- Various people singing along to "Man On The Moon" without knowing
	   the words
%
Lizzie: "Why don't you just use vim? It's much nicer than nano."
ben: "Because vim is like stabbing yourself in the head with a fork, and
    nano is like stabbing yourself in the head with a baby spoon -- it
    still hurts, but it's a lot more fun."
%
Sanity's a fiction,
Sanity's a lie,
...
Sanity is malt liquor rubbed into your thigh...

... OK, maybe I didnt think that one through properly.
	-- Danov, rapping in Origins
%
The ending leaves it open for a sequel.
	-- Morti, on the way out of "The Passion of The Christ"
%
[waiter appears with trolley]
15 people: "Yay! Food!"
Waiter: "Not yours."
15 people: (in unison) "Awwww."
	-- curry gathering in The Ancient Raj
%
[talking about coffee in a paper cup]
typo: "This coffee is still quite hot."
red_pill: "That would be because of the irrigated cardboard, then."
%
It's very hard to screw backwards, especially when you're stretched out
like that.
	-- Koala, talking about a particularly tricky snooker shot
%
Morti: "Microsoft Natural Keyboards are shit."
b00: "No, they're not, they're great."
Morti: "Yes, if you type in a certain way. My hands are slightly to the
    right because my right hand is more effective than my left."
reggitsti: "I'm not going to draw any conclusions from that..."
%
Syn: "I need to know how to make a lot of money very quickly."
Alex (burning fingers on frying pan): "FUCK!"
Ducttape: "Well, that's one option..."
%
I wanna try crucifixion. It's like, the ultimate in suspension, innit?
	-- cutter
%
Ben: "I'm thinking about modding my trousers."
Lizzie: "Oh?"
Ben: "Yeah, they've already got holes in. The next natural step is to
    add a fan."
%
Tanedra: "Java doesn't do it for me the same way a vibrator does."
Kitty: "You're doing it wrong."
%
LOL!

... I can't believe I just said that.
	-- GeeeZa
%
[talking about CS2 exams]
creature: "Because they're all anonymous papers, I've been writing
    little sarcastic comments."
skel: "Well they won't be that anonymous, then, will they?"
%
Trapper: "I use the caches to get to the outside world."
red_pill: "I just tend to use the door."
%
foo: "Do you know what rack space is?"
Rah: (pointing to chest) "Yes. It's what you rate, isn't it?"
%
You know what would be excellent? If Krispy Kreme made breasts.
	-- Ben, completely at random
%
What's the key to sex, Rincey?
	-- Mikerosoft, asking about an IRC channel
%
[foo and SlimeyPete discovered *not* doing washing-up...]
foo: "We decided to take a five-minute break."
typo and Rah: "A five-minute break?"
SlimeyPete: "Hey, we're men, we're not built for this sort of thing."
%
Y'know, DIY seems to be God's response to trying to do stuff on your
own. "Think you can do it yourself? Think you can be a God, do you?
Well, try putting a flat-pack bench together!"
	-- red_pill
%
I mean, what are they going to say I can do with a philosophy degree?
"You can start in McDonalds' graduate programme -- you deep-fry chips
instead of flipping burgers. The pay is no better but it's slightly less
hazardous."
	-- red_pill
%
Pete: "And when you do 'make install', it should do 'sdist -c /etc/group
    host'..."
Tim: "But that takes ages!"
Pete: "... ampersand."
%
[playing Trivial Pursuit]
xmassheep: "What Japanese war cry translates as 'may you live forever'?"
skel: "Don't know."
xmassheep: "Banzai."
skel: "But that's small trees."
reggitsti: "Who was prime minister of Italy between 1922 and 1943?"
skel: "Don't know."
reggitsi: "Would it help you if I told you it was Mussolini?"
skel: "No."
xmassheep: "What season are the most babies born in?"
skel: "The football season?"
%
I've just realised that since we moved house, I can't remember where I
live.
	-- Rob
%
08:30-09:30 Mailinfo utility unavailable due to electrical
testing.
	-- Computing Service Alert
%
Trapper: "I've always thought Ben would look nice in a kilt -- he's
    entitled to wear three different tartans."
typo: "What about the other men: Moof, for instance?"
Trapper: "Well, we could sew a Spanish flag and a Union flag together,
    and he could tie them round his waist with a bow over his left hip."
%
Kitty: "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to rebuild my
    distribution boards with ethernet ports so I can telnet in and
    switch off different plugs so I can switch off my machines without
    touching them."
Morti: "You know what I'm going to do? Something worthwhile with my time."
%
Wow, you guys don't *need* drugs, do you?
	-- Morti, to Deeps, Mystik, Tigger and Kitty after a comment
	   about anthropomorphic furry sysadmins
%
I could really do with something big and meaty inside me right now.
	-- Babs, talking innocently about how much she wanted a burger
%
I've been going out with Pyro for four and a half months. You get less
than that for breaking and entering.
	-- Cutter
%
[evad looking for a power adapter]
Mikerosoft: "I think I would know if I was sitting on a power adapter."
evad: "Well,  you're sitting on a keyboard... a can opener... six pairs
    of boxers..."
%
[typo and Trapper talking about typo's new camera, when red_pill
appears...]
red_pill: "It's soooo shiny! Shiny! Shiny!"
Trapper: "What is?"
red_pill: "My V:TM character sheet."
%