QUOTES-REALLIFE-01 was last updated at Mon Jul 29 11:47:34 2002.
You can also view this file in fortune format, or as an RSS feed.
<watching the start of Star Trek: First Contact, where we see a Borg tool bend Picard's cornea> Mark: "I did that once." Matthew: "Bent your cornea? How?" Mark: "Well, I was looking down a fountain pen..."
The thing about SETI is that they're looking _away_ from Earth for intelligence. Then I read misc and I understand why...
Ben
Pete: "I've removed the libbz2 package on kernow." Tim: "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Pete: "Well, I did it to willow." <Tim looks at a broken willow...>
You know how most dogs don't like loud noises? Well, Jonathan's dog feels he has to join in. The trouble is, I think he enjoys it more than I do...
Verity
Fred said he'd buy me a Mars Bar if I do elvis.
Pete, talking about installing software, before anybody asks
The Windows Calculator is a configuration management tool; you can use it to add one to a version number if you can't do it in your head.
Tom
Orange: "But after a while the porn all gets the same. After you've seen one
guy get fucked, you've seen it all."
Giles: "Oh?"
Orange: "Erm, I meant girl! girl!"Verity: "I guess I'm going to have to eat Phill on the way home, then." Paul: "Ooer."
Verity complaining about not having had dinner yet
It's when you start on about NSSB 3-duplex megadrive RAM that I'm really not able to understand what you're going on about.
Verity
The thing is, if foo had come out with it... well, if foo _had_ come out, then that would solve the whole problem...
Verity
Allan: "How could you let me eat that chilli?"
Nert: "What? You said `Will this kill me?' and Edd said `Yes.' What more do
you want?"
Allan: "Well, if he was a true friend he wouldn't have offered it in the first
place."Mark: "Argh, how did I do that?" Adam: "Do what?" Mark: "There seems to be a hole in my little finger."
[9.30AM in the fivegeeks household] Ben: "Morning." Matthew: "What?" Ben: "Oh, fuck."
Pete: "There's always someone in Rutherford bar who I know. It's just like
Cheers."
Ewan: "What, you mean everybody claps when you walk in?"Jester: "Arrgghh."
Robbo: "What have you done?"
Jester: "I've ripped my hand open on that bush."
Robbo: "Why did you do that?"
Jester looks over his shoulder to Robbo: "Because I wasn't looking where
I was going."
Jester then walks straight into another bush.So if anyone asks us what we did last night, we can say "We all sat around and watched MPlayer compiling".
Ben, while watching MPlayer compile
The world's biggest Underground improvement programme will keep ownership of your Tube in public hands where it belongs... Your Tube: publically owned, privately built.
London Transport promotional poster You know, in America, "tube" is another word for "penis". -- Drew
<phone rings> Moof: "It's Ben Tanner... has Adam left to pick up foo yet?" Adam: "Oh, SHIT! I knew I'd forgotten something."
half an hour after foo had called to be picked up...
Howard Bowman: "And what does logic give us?" Mark (muttering): "Headaches."
Mark: "Be gentle with her, she's a girl." Neil: "Bollocks is she a girl, she does computer science."
Neil, talking about Mel
I once ordered a kebab from Ocakbasi when I was stone sober, and I woke up the next morning with a hangover.
Robbo
I'm sick and tired of UCAS days. It's the second time I've almost been run over by a herd of schoolkids.
RandomWelshman
Allan: "I still can't believe that there was a mussel in my soup."
Ian: "But look, it says here on the menu 'Supernoodles Special: crab sticks,
mussels...'"
Allan: "Monkey not read menu."GeeeZa: "Look, I have a great income, alright?" Claire: "I have a great arse, so what?"
James: "What do you use to DivX things?" Foo: "Ben."
Very drunk girl: "So where are we moving on to next?" Not-quite-so-drunk girl: "Fuck knows." Very drunk girl: "Hm, I don't think I've been there."
heard in Weatherspoons
Paul: "Brrrr." Andy: "It's not that cold." Pete: "It's not warm." Andy: "I'm a bit cold, but I've only got this and a T-shirt on." Pete: "I've only got this on." Paul: "I can just imagine Archmoo walking around naked."
NeilS: "I'm off to rub hands with big knobs. Oh fuck, that's not how it
goes..."ch00000n, in a quiet, I'm-not-admitting-it sort of way.
Ben, about Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time"
Ben Tanner: "You're all a bunch of Mandrake users." Rick Stein: "Yo' momma uses SuSe."
There's nothing like a nice, clear UML diagram. And this is nothing like a nice, clear UML diagram.
Ben, looking at project work
Verity: "Well, if you were to get sexual pleasure from that bottle, it wouldn't
involve your penis."
Neil: "What? Huh? What were you planning to do to me with that bottle then?"
Verity: "Ah, Neil obviously doesn't know where his G-spot is!"
la_haine: (pointing at Vikki) "No, it's OK, she's over there talking to
ducttape."Phil: "Anthropology is the study of human beings." Laura: "That must be very depressing."
But I'm straight! Oh, no, wait, no, um, I mean gay!
Giles, quite vehemently, in the middle of Wetherspoons with Melanie sat on his lap
<Andy flicks Mark's hair>
<Mark flicks Andy's hair>
Gary: "Ha! It's Mini-Mark!" <pointing at Andy> "He's just like Mark, but a
third as inbred!"I hang around with monkeys, who I hope would be stranger than me, and yet I still have to explain myself!
Clarie
Moof: "Well, presumably, if you go to hell for baking this cake, then they have
to at least make sure that you continue cooking it."
Mark: "So they can't have me and not eat my cake too."Tim Hopkins set an impossible question because he didn't want to mark any.
Mark, talking about cryptography exam
Foo (hugging Sarah): "Ah, I'm feeling better now." Sarah: "No, I'm Sarah."
I like Perl because I can look at it and feel that it is at maximal entropy, man.
Hanna Wallach
Mark: "In HMV, the anime section is right next to the adult videos."
Ben: "So if people give you funny looks, you can say ``No, it's all right, I'm
looking at the porn.''"Phill: (talking about Kerberos realms) "We could have STAFF, STUDENT,
POSTGRAD..."
bUrt: "No, I think we should just have US and THEM."Guys, let's just pause for a moment and realise that we're sitting here discussing the relative sexual merits of a Swiss roll versus a Battenberg cake.
Gary
Tim: "It's just a bit frustrating going round in circles like this." Burt: "We're not going round in circles; we _are_ spiralling."
It's Mozilla. It's like Internet Explorer, except the people behind it are much more bitter.
Gary
Burt: "So, if we get this contract, we're going to have money for another
half-person."
Tim: "Does that mean we get more people or more money?"
Burt: "Neither. It means we get more work."<GeeeZa ruffles Mark's hair> GeeeZa: "You Vidal Sassoon boy." Mark: "Because I'm worth it!" Vikki: "That's Loréal!" GeeeZa: "I see your shampoo-foo is strong!" Paul: "Shampoo foo - that'd be a pretty major task!"
(talking about insects) Tim: "They were on my bed, so I had to suck them off with the Dyson." Burt: "Well, whatever turns you on, I suppose."
Burt: "That's the other nice thing about [the model helicopter]; if you hover
it above your head you get a nice breeze."Submissions and corrections to Adam Sampson <quotes@offog.org>