Mark: "I did that once." Matthew: "Bent your cornea? How?" Mark: "Well, I was looking down a fountain pen..." % Mafoo's as straight as a very bendy twig. -- Jonathan % The thing about SETI is that they're looking _away_ from Earth for intelligence. Then I read misc and I understand why... -- Ben % Pete: "I've removed the libbz2 package on kernow." Tim: "Are you sure that's a good idea?" Pete: "Well, I did it to willow." % Ahhhh, I thought I was upstairs. -- Mark, lying very drunk on the kitchen floor % You know how most dogs don't like loud noises? Well, Jonathan's dog feels he has to join in. The trouble is, I think he enjoys it more than I do... -- Verity % Fred said he'd buy me a Mars Bar if I do elvis. -- Pete, talking about installing software, before anybody asks % The Windows Calculator is a configuration management tool; you can use it to add one to a version number if you can't do it in your head. -- Tom % Orange: "But after a while the porn all gets the same. After you've seen one guy get fucked, you've seen it all." Giles: "Oh?" Orange: "Erm, I meant girl! girl!" % Verity: "I guess I'm going to have to eat Phill on the way home, then." Paul: "Ooer." -- Verity complaining about not having had dinner yet % Look, there's that gay bloke from last year. -- Random Mungos staff member, upon spotting Matthew % It's when you start on about NSSB 3-duplex megadrive RAM that I'm really not able to understand what you're going on about. -- Verity % One thing can be said for foo: he makes a very good topic of conversation. -- Pete % Large chicken doner, no kebab, no salad. -- Mark, reasonably drunk % The thing is, if foo had come out with it... well, if foo _had_ come out, then that would solve the whole problem... -- Verity % Allan: "How could you let me eat that chilli?" Nert: "What? You said `Will this kill me?' and Edd said `Yes.' What more do you want?" Allan: "Well, if he was a true friend he wouldn't have offered it in the first place." % Mark: "Argh, how did I do that?" Adam: "Do what?" Mark: "There seems to be a hole in my little finger." % [9.30AM in the fivegeeks household] Ben: "Morning." Matthew: "What?" Ben: "Oh, fuck." % Can I come and shaft your machine now? -- Burt % Pete: "There's always someone in Rutherford bar who I know. It's just like Cheers." Ewan: "What, you mean everybody claps when you walk in?" % Jester: "Arrgghh." Robbo: "What have you done?" Jester: "I've ripped my hand open on that bush." Robbo: "Why did you do that?" Jester looks over his shoulder to Robbo: "Because I wasn't looking where I was going." Jester then walks straight into another bush. % So if anyone asks us what we did last night, we can say "We all sat around and watched MPlayer compiling". -- Ben, while watching MPlayer compile % The world's biggest Underground improvement programme will keep ownership of your Tube in public hands where it belongs... Your Tube: publically owned, privately built. -- London Transport promotional poster You know, in America, "tube" is another word for "penis". -- Drew % Moof: "It's Ben Tanner... has Adam left to pick up foo yet?" Adam: "Oh, SHIT! I knew I'd forgotten something." -- half an hour after foo had called to be picked up... % It's only there you have some decent boneage. -- Pete whilst pointing at his forehead % Howard Bowman: "And what does logic give us?" Mark (muttering): "Headaches." % Mark: "Be gentle with her, she's a girl." Neil: "Bollocks is she a girl, she does computer science." -- Neil, talking about Mel % I once ordered a kebab from Ocakbasi when I was stone sober, and I woke up the next morning with a hangover. -- Robbo % Cheating is against the rules. -- Sarah % I'm sick and tired of UCAS days. It's the second time I've almost been run over by a herd of schoolkids. -- RandomWelshman % Allan: "I still can't believe that there was a mussel in my soup." Ian: "But look, it says here on the menu 'Supernoodles Special: crab sticks, mussels...'" Allan: "Monkey not read menu." % GeeeZa: "Look, I have a great income, alright?" Claire: "I have a great arse, so what?" % James: "What do you use to DivX things?" Foo: "Ben." % Very drunk girl: "So where are we moving on to next?" Not-quite-so-drunk girl: "Fuck knows." Very drunk girl: "Hm, I don't think I've been there." -- heard in Weatherspoons % Paul: "Brrrr." Andy: "It's not that cold." Pete: "It's not warm." Andy: "I'm a bit cold, but I've only got this and a T-shirt on." Pete: "I've only got this on." Paul: "I can just imagine Archmoo walking around naked." % NeilS: "I'm off to rub hands with big knobs. Oh fuck, that's not how it goes..." % City University of Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Now shorten that. -- Will % It's not porn, it's clipart. -- Melanie % ch00000n, in a quiet, I'm-not-admitting-it sort of way. -- Ben, about Britney Spears' "Baby One More Time" % Ben Tanner: "You're all a bunch of Mandrake users." Rick Stein: "Yo' momma uses SuSe." % There's nothing like a nice, clear UML diagram. And this is nothing like a nice, clear UML diagram. -- Ben, looking at project work % Verity: "Well, if you were to get sexual pleasure from that bottle, it wouldn't involve your penis." Neil: "What? Huh? What were you planning to do to me with that bottle then?" Verity: "Ah, Neil obviously doesn't know where his G-spot is!" la_haine: (pointing at Vikki) "No, it's OK, she's over there talking to ducttape." % Phil: "Anthropology is the study of human beings." Laura: "That must be very depressing." % But I'm straight! Oh, no, wait, no, um, I mean gay! -- Giles, quite vehemently, in the middle of Wetherspoons with Melanie sat on his lap % Gary: "Ha! It's Mini-Mark!" "He's just like Mark, but a third as inbred!" % I hang around with monkeys, who I hope would be stranger than me, and yet I still have to explain myself! -- Clarie % Moof: "Well, presumably, if you go to hell for baking this cake, then they have to at least make sure that you continue cooking it." Mark: "So they can't have me and not eat my cake too." % I wasn't into experimenting with animals at that age. -- Neil, talking about Lego, honest % Tim Hopkins set an impossible question because he didn't want to mark any. -- Mark, talking about cryptography exam % Foo (hugging Sarah): "Ah, I'm feeling better now." Sarah: "No, I'm Sarah." % I like Perl because I can look at it and feel that it is at maximal entropy, man. -- Hanna Wallach % I'll never forget the look on the teacher's face as I dropped the radioactive source. -- Ben % Mark: "In HMV, the anime section is right next to the adult videos." Ben: "So if people give you funny looks, you can say ``No, it's all right, I'm looking at the porn.''" % Phill: (talking about Kerberos realms) "We could have STAFF, STUDENT, POSTGRAD..." bUrt: "No, I think we should just have US and THEM." % Guys, let's just pause for a moment and realise that we're sitting here discussing the relative sexual merits of a Swiss roll versus a Battenberg cake. -- Gary % Tim: "It's just a bit frustrating going round in circles like this." Burt: "We're not going round in circles; we _are_ spiralling." % It's Mozilla. It's like Internet Explorer, except the people behind it are much more bitter. -- Gary % Burt: "So, if we get this contract, we're going to have money for another half-person." Tim: "Does that mean we get more people or more money?" Burt: "Neither. It means we get more work." % Are there any fit ones? Send them to me! I'll cure them. -- Paul, talking about sex addicts % GeeeZa: "You Vidal Sassoon boy." Mark: "Because I'm worth it!" Vikki: "That's Loréal!" GeeeZa: "I see your shampoo-foo is strong!" Paul: "Shampoo foo - that'd be a pretty major task!" % (talking about insects) Tim: "They were on my bed, so I had to suck them off with the Dyson." Burt: "Well, whatever turns you on, I suppose." % Burt: "That's the other nice thing about [the model helicopter]; if you hover it above your head you get a nice breeze." %