UKC Newsgroups quotes, 2004

> what do ppl do for fun round here?

Drink. Dance (Hail to the Venue!). Misc. Have sex with people. Read.
Walk in the woods/parks/green areas. Shop. Go to the theatre. Listen to
music.  Listen to live music (Local hero records). Dine. Socialise. Soak
up history. Learn a musical instrument. Join a society. Join a sports
club.  Join the gym. Take up a hobby (kite flying, photography,
photography from flying kites). Visit London. Visit France. Get a job.
Get a tattoo. Get a piercing. Join a band. Become an artist. Go for
picnics. Go for a swim.  Start a website. Start a blog. Kill yourself
for starting a blog. Get involved with student politics. Get
disillusioned and become a thorn in the side of the SU. Take up phone
phreaking. Get arrested. Pick fights with bouncers. Immerse yourself in
cheese at Mungo's. Play pool. Become a hustler. Catch, kill, and eat a
parkwood duck. Become immortalised in UKC folklore. Become a Woody's
immortal. Do good work for RAG. Become a volunteer. Write for Kred. Get
a UKCR radio show. Start an underground newspaper lambasting the
institution. Occupy the registry. Spread rumours about Darwin being
demolished and graduating ceremonies no longer being held in the
cathedral. Get seeme'd. Become a DJ. Become a rock star.  Become a movie
buff. Become a restaurant critic. Go for pub crawls.  Graduate.

Choose your future. Choose UKC.

>> "Variables won't; Constants aren't"   /(   )\
> In honour of the new academic year I think you should spice up
> catch-phrase.

Fantastic idea. Instead of Nick Weir, get Roy Walker back on it. And
surround him with bikini-clad women. The loser, instead of getting a
consolation prize, should be dropped in a pool of sharks. The whole
thing should be set in the crater of a volcano, or in impenetrable
forest, or somewhere simliarly exotic.  Finally, the contestants should
be given a variety of weaponry. They won't ever be *encouraged* to use
it but, well, you know... if they want to get into a fight, we've got
the right to film it.

Are there any other TV programmes that you think need the Creature
touch?

> Torisim

Yes folks, it's the computer game event of the year: ToriSim! Now you
can control the UK Conservative Party from your home computer! Can you
rekindle the falling numbers of members? Or fix the infighting and power
struggles, building a credible opposition once more? Who knows - if
you're really good, you could get the party back in power and see your
policies shape the country! ToriSim is available from all major computer
game retailers, for $39.99 - out now!

*** STOP PRESS *** For a limited time, ToriSim comes bundled with the
"The Sims: Thatcherites" expansion pack for The Sims! Play God with the
Thatcher family! Can you stop Maggie from losing her marbles and keep
Mark out of the tabloids?

are we allowed to download from the internet

> IMAP, I'm not quite sure what you're asking for here...

Well, you said "it broke", and I can't really help much if you don't
tell me what happened :)

> Still, though, I can't say Berliners are a sunny bunch, especially
> compared to Canter-- uh...  Canterburrs. Canterburians? Canterburials?
> Canters? Cants?

"Conservatives".

>> Subject: juggling society
>> does anyone know where and when they meet?
> I think its up in the air at the moment

I heard they did it on a rotating basis?

> is what got Tony B Liar elected. Am I alone in thinking the bastard
> has screwed us?

I believe what got him elected was a very big front page back in the
last week of April 1997 saying, in 150pt Franklin Gothic Bold Condensed,
"THE SUN BACKS BLAIR" and then rather a lot of Flesch-Kincaid grade 5
boilerplate on the inside lauding his perceived good points, and some
buxom young wench with a (presumably thornless) rose right between her
constituencies.

Not that I believe in the power of the press, or anything.

Better idea.

> John Major College
Sleepy

> Lord Tebitt College
Dopey

> Michael Portillo College
Grumpy

> Margaret Thatcher College
Greedy

Mascots would be a cinch.

> anyone know how to connect a laptop to a computer room ...

Yes. The procedure is actually very easy.

You will need:
4x rawlplugs
4x screws, matching the size of the rawlplugs
1x spirit level
1x drill
1x small hammer
1x pencil
1x ruler

Method:
1. Use the spirit level to mark a level horizontal line on the wall.
Mark a point on the wall for the first screw.
2. Use the ruler to measure and mark a corresponding point on the
horizontal line for the second screw.
3. Use the spirit level to mark a level horizontal line through the
first 2 points, and mark the corresponding holes for the 3rd and 4th
holes accordingly.
4. Take the drill, and drill into the masonry. Use a bit of masking tape
around the drill bit to stop you going too deep. It might be an idea to
check for electrical cable beforehand.
5. Use the hammer to gently knock the rawlplugs into your new holes.
6. Presuming your laptop is pre-drilled, screw it to the wall.
Otherwise, drill out corresponding holes from your laptop, and fasten it
to the wall.

Voila! Your laptop is now attached, or connected, to the computer room!

... interestingly, even though, logically, it makes much more sense to
hit a nice soft cyclist going in the same direction (rather than a ton
and half of car heading for you at 30mph) at the time my instinct was to
swerve out, and risk a head-on crash... 

> Another leap forward for civil rights. Next step is to bring back
> hanging for murderers, rapists and kiddy fiddlers.

Now, I know that the violin makes an awful sound when in the hands of a
novice, but surely hanging is a little strong?

>> I like summer,
[...]
>> On the other hand,
[...]
>> On the other hand,
[...]
>> On the other hand,
[...]
>> On the other hand,
> It would appear that you have 5 hands.

That's why I play guitar and piano. ;-)

> Which part of "Don't post this here." Are you finding so incredibly
> difficult to understand?

I think its probably the "Don't", as otherwise it would say "Post This
Here" ;)

Secondly, you get Jordan and another minor pretty-male celebrity, and
you lock them together in a big-brother style house with only one bed.
Every few days, you bundle the guy out and replace him with another
pretty-boy.  The theory would be that Jordan would happily accept the
new guy every time and start a new relationship.

It's called "I'm With Jordan, Get Me Out Of Here"

Subject: FS: One Temper

Slightly bruised, still in good condition.  One less than careful owner.
£5 ONO.

> Ok, I have just installed a 400w psu to replace a 235w witch

Sound like you've upset your old PSU so much that she has put a spell on
your computer.

Try drowning her.

> how to tunnell

We already have a tunnel, it goes under the hill. It was built for the
Crab & Winkle railway line. Does that help?

I BOUGHT A SINGLE COACH TICKET TO LONDON VICTORIA FOR FRIDAY THE 11TH OF
FEB.
[...]
REMEMBER IT IS JUST ONE WAY AND U WILL HAVE TO FIND UR WAY BACK.

>> At the risk of being flamed could I draw your attention too:
>> http://www.kent.ac.uk/is/computing/regulations/kent/using_rooms.html
>> Thus eating a Chineese take-away meal for example whilst using a PPC
>> machine would be a big NO NO.
> Do you mind if I ask what prompted this post?

Someone eating a chineese take-away in a PPC room.

> How does a bit of snow on the ground stop the library from
> functioning?

The books want the evening to themselves to go out and have snowball
fights.  Blame the unions.

class BoredCompsci extends Geek implements NoWork
{

     Idle[] activities;
     Terminal station;
        
     public BoredCompsci(Terminal station)
     {
         this.station = station;
         station.boot();
         activities = new Idle[3];
         activities[0] = new Usenet("ukc.misc");
         activities[1] = new IRC();
         (IRC)activities[1].join("#cs");
         activities[2] = new Browser("www.slashdot.org");
[...]

> Subject: Re: If you ruled the country - what would you change?
> Harsher immigration controls

In what way? Quotas on asylum seekers? "I'm sorry you are being tortured
but we have hit our quota this year. Please try again later if you are
not dead"

> You have obviously lost track of the thread.

Which is very easy to do when people don't quote anything and don't give
any context.

<p style="12ft_screaming_neon_pink">Hint!</p>

> Are you thinking what Im thinking?

I think so, Bart, but what if the ferret doesn't fall in love with
John Prescott?

> Hi dose anyone know if there is a strip poker society ??

Hi there,

There is indeed a strip poker society.  Current membership is 19 rather
fetching females (who, co-incidentally, are awful at poker) and myself.

Unfortunately membership is restricted to 20 members in total and thus
there's no room for new people.  Sorry.

> what do the knobs do

The knobs in the computer rooms have many functions. The smallest knobs
do things like coughing on the screen, or rearranging the phlegm lodged
in their nasal cavities while you try and focus on your essay. The
moderate knobs do things like bay into their mobile phones despite the
clear signage and wander off for hours at a time without logging off.
The largest knobs of all are the ones dropping food into the keyboard,
trying (but failing) to masturbate surreptitiously, and performing
hilarious japes like stealing the mouse balls and removing the space
bars.

> > put a nice big fat cross next to the conservatives
> sorry, I couldnt possibly...

I would, but I'm out of nails, so not much point really.

> > Them, and those lawnmower things, which always seem to be buzzing
> > about my room, giving me a migraine and convincing me its too noisy
> > and distracting to get up off my bed to revise.
> WHY ON EARTH do you have lawnmowers running in your room*?!

Do you have any idea how fast carpets grow?

> The Tories have had a great election - you cant say we lost unless
> your very small minded and only see things in a dichotonomous manner
> which I doubt you would even understand if you think like that.

Your party won around 165 seats fewer than the winning party. I'd call
that losing.

> When I was at Bangor in the mid -nineties, doing my BA. they went out
> of their way to do this, and for less than £40. There were
> rock/indie/goth/pop sets on the main stage, and swing, jazz,
> classical, folk, many forms of dance/trance/New Age music, and others
> all going on at other places.  This ball, with its irresponsible
> eco-deadly limo-rides and its heavy emphasis on club culture - others
> have said it was the Venue in a tux - was all very well for lovers of
> bling, the chavtastic, and asses grinding to electronica, but offered
> nothing to those who like real instruments, well though out lyrics, a
> bit of moshing and head-banging, and a laid-back festival atmosphere.

On the downside, of course, you were in Bangor.

> I have an Windows XP box (Professional with Service Pack 2) and it
> keeps losing time - as much as a few seconds in each minute.

Do you regularly travel near the speed of light while carrying it?

Maybe they should combine the large, spikey athleticism of the Javelin
with the gentle spearing of the world of darts...never mind how many
metres it's been chucked, did he get it in double top?